What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
