At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
