im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
