Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
