Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Dick very happy bro
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
