Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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