I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
