a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
