Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
