Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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