Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
