Your dad touched me again.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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