we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
