I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
