yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm having to shit out rocks
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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