the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
