Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
