The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
