Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
