I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
