He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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