I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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