How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
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