just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
