I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
