some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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