How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
