I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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