ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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