Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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