I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
