my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
