Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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