Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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