Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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