I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
