The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
