I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
