ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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