Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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