IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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