At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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