Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A+ Viking dick
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