you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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