So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
