hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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