Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
