I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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