I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
