his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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